Breaking up SUCKS!!!!!

So if you really know me...you know that I'm impulsive and stubborn and that you can't tell me what to do! I usually like to figure things out on my own and sometimes that means learning the hard way! In short...please save all of the "I told you so's"...it's understood.

So I did it...I broke up with Michael. I moved out of the house, and by "move out" I mean "fled" with whatever clothes I had on my back and 3 half dressed shoeless children! YAH. It got that bad. Nothing really physical, unless you call "spitting" physical abuse, which I think should count. All the crazy rage was directed at me, not the children. They were however terrified at the aggression that their father showed towards me. He actually tried to hold them hostage from me. He refused to let them leave with me and as kids were running to me out of fear he was scooping them up and holding them back. He was screaming like a crazed maniac.

Fortunately the children are fine now and have been somewhat insulated from this whole mess because we have had no further contact with their dad and because they have been distracted by my AWESOME brother and his very PATIENT almost saint like wife! We've been living with my brother and sister-n-law since the incident on Saturday in a 650 sq. ft. apartment. My Sibling has graciously given up his bedroom with the double bed where I sleep with the boys! Yes all 4 of us in the same bed. Picture the letter "E". That's how we've been sleeping. Fun? No! Tolerable? Yes! It's actually been much more peaceful all crammed up in this little apartment than in our "sprawling" 1800 sq. ft. bungalow in the idyllic neighborhood of "Bellaire"! I'll take a studio apartment with 6 people over a nice house with 1 Michael any day!

So I'm sure that some of you will doubt me, and I've given plenty of justification for that doubt. After all I've let him back in many times now. The difference this time is that he did not sheild his children from our relationship madness. He chose to drag them into our mess this time. He went off without regard for his kids emotional and mental well being. He put his need for revenge and his need to make a point ahead of the safety of his kids! THAT I will not tolerate. All of this time, after all of the shit he's pulled, the kids have for the most part been oblivious to any major incidents. I had a tiny shred of respect for him for at the very least making sure that his children weren't around when he went into one of his bi-polar rages. Many times he'd save it all up till after 8:30 p.m.--the kids bedtime, and then we'd unleash hell on each other...quietly on the other side of the house...sometimes the garage if we knew it was going to be a bad one.

It progressively got worse over the last 3 months and quickly escalated to intolerable within the last month. Now we're at this point. The point I always wondered whether would come. The point where I feel nothing for him. I feel no pity, no need to come to his rescue, no need to entertain his apologies and false promises. I feel nothing for this person. He's rendered me numb to his begging, his anger, his threats, his needs!

I DON'T CARE! I don't care that you're sad and miss the boys! I don't care that you don't have any money and are "starving". I don't care that you don't have a way to get around! I don't care that you're alone. I don't care that your family doesn't care enough about you to be supportive. I don't care if you try to do the right thing now!

I TOLD YOU! I told you I had limits! I told you you're pushing me to them! I told you I would leave and not come back! I told you that you should not take your family and comfortable life for granted! I told you to be more appreciative because someday we might be gone! But mostly I told you you'd regret your behavior. I was right.

I WILL NEVER! I will never have to depend on you again. I will never fully trust you again. I will never put your needs before the needs of my children again! I will never love you again. I will never sacrifice my happiness to keep peace with you again! I will never neglect my family and friends for you again! I will never miss another day of work because you again! I will never allow you to control me again!

I WILL! I will start getting back to the old me! I will start enjoying life! I will start spending quality time with my children! I will start taking time for myself! I will reconnect with family! I will reconnect with old friends! I will get back to the things I used to love to do! I will make my own decisions! I will surround my children with only good people! I will lose weight! I will take control of my finances! I will start going to church again! I will watch every movie I've missed over the last 5 years for you! I will be responsible for my life, my children, and myself!

So...I think that pretty much wraps it up in a nutshell! I'm not going back to him. Ever. If I've learned something, it's that you can change a persons habits, but you can't change a persons character!

Till I get inspired again!

Sayanora BITCHES!

(: