Tie Him Up Mommy!

Ok...so keep in mind the "moral disclaimer" from my post yesterday so that you understand the context and dynamic I'm dealing with here.

So a few weeks ago I put the 3 little monkeys to bed at around 8:15. Jake "the baby" or "al qaeda" as gramps likes to refer to him, in his crib, and Luke and Max in the bunk beds. Within about 2 seconds I hear some ruckus so I go and check on em', and of course Jakey has climbed out of his crib and scaled the bunk beds and is standing on top of Max triumphantly yelling "HaHAAAAA!!!". Max is screaming in his normal dramatic fashion and flopping around rithing in "pain"!

Like the patient compassionate sweet natured mother that I am I tell Max to "can it...you're fine" and then I gently yet firmly escort the compliant yet totally obtuse little miscreant to his crib.

Fast forward 2 minutes, and my little "al qaeda" has started a full blown sibbling jihad!
This battle goes on for about an hour and 15 minutes. Every time I put him in his crib he lets me walk out...he waits about 30 seconds and then proceeds with his relentless assaults on his brothers. At this point Max and Luke are so tired that they pass out within the 2 minutes it takes me to get Jakey back in his crib, scold him, and get him "settled".

Jake is an evil genius...he gives them just enough time to let down their guard and fall into a deep REM sleep before he moves in for his next attack. It's so much more dramatic to wake them from a dead sleep...way more bang for his buck. If I had to guess, I'd say I went in there about 30-40 times and this went on for about an hour and 15. At which point his paranoid brothers are so scared to sleep or even blink their eyes that they are sitting up in the very back corner of their beds with their backs to the wall just watching him. Mumbling stuff under their breath like little schizos!

I must say I really feel that I got a taste of what true insanity feels like. Needless to say I was on the verge of a major meltdown. I considered the "baby moses" out, and taking him to the firestation next door, but they know him too well and after about 30 minutes they'd just bring him back!

R-E-L-E-N-T-L-E-S-S. I don't think anyone understands...Jakey could have done this all night. Easily. The thought of that made me crazy! Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I did something I never thought I'd do!

I tied him up.

That's right... I said it! I tied him up!

Don't pick up the phone and start dialing 911 or CPS. Remember what I said in the first post "Don't Judge Me!" Walk a mile in these shoes people! Besides, it was extremely humane and well thought out. Here's how it went down--I tore a strip from an old sheet, I tied one side to the mattress frame, the other in a very loose bow around his ankle, left enough slack for him to to roll over and move comfortably but not enough to get his leg over the top rail, and that was that! He conceded and complied.

I thought everything was well and good. UNTIL, 5 minutes later when I hear more ruckus! I go back in there, unable to imagine what in the HELL could possibly be the problem NOW, and what I find is a mutiny! The other 2 had turned on me! Jake was sitting in his crib, bottle hanging from his mouth, with his leg sticking out of the crib. No longer the perp, but the "victim". He's giving directions to his brothers who are standing around his leg trying to FREE HIM! The same little whiners I was trying to protect are now scolding me--saying "no tie Jakey up mommy!", "we love Jakey!".

What do you mean "we love Jakey"...I say that to you! They're using my own words against me!

Now I feel totally guilty!!!! They're all looking at me like I'm mommy dearest, scolding me, hurridly trying to untie their poor innocent little brother! Ohh, how quickly they forget.

Sooo, what could I do? I had to untie him. I gave Jakers a stern lecture. Told him about the major time-out he'd get, and all of the things I would take away from him if he escaped again, to which he responded "Great!". I appologized to Max and Luke for mommy's irrational desperate behavior and I walked out.

Fast forward 2 minutes...It's like freaking ground hog day up in this joint! Shocking...It started all over again!!!! Only this time Max and Luke are yelling "TIE HIM UP!!!!!" "MOMMY...HE GOT OUT!!! TIE HIM UP!!!!".

The worst part of all of this is that now anytime were in public and Jakey starts acting up, one of them is sure to yell loudly and clearly "Mommy Jakey's being a bad boy...TIE HIM UP!" True story!

Don't Judge Me!

Ok, so since this is my first posting let me give you some insight into my world. Just a quick explanation of why I do some of the things that I do, or that normal folks might consider certifiably NUTS...ok, ok, let's just be totally honest...this is supposed to be an outlet for me...a place where I can let it all hang out! Therapy if you will! I wouldn't lie to my shrink...actually, if I had one, I probably would. Stay on task Patty (you'll find me talking to myself occassionally in these posts) That's all besides the point I feel the need to post a moral disclaimer for my insanity! I haven't had the chance to run it by my attorney (who coincidentally is my brother and whom I pray NEVER actually reads any of this!) but here it goes.

I am a 38 year old orphan, career woman, sole breadwinner in the family, and mother of 3 boys. Here's the kicker...my boys are ages 4,3,&2! (Yes, yes, yes...I KNOW...I've heard em' all-"Get cable for God's sake!", "You do know how this happens, no?", "You couldn't wait the whole 6 weeks!", and there's the classic "HOLY $%#@!") Did I mention that I am totally ADD! One more thing...I'm in a relationship with my "Baby Daddy" strictly for convenience, and I secretly loathe him...oh, and of course, I stay for the kids!

Needless to say I'll be writing about the insanity that is my life. It's all fair game--my career, my kids, my unconventional "relationship", my ADD, and whatever else may come up during one of my typical ape %$#@ days. Assuming I remember, I will try to post at least every week, but if inspired...who knows! I really hope someone out there can relate to at least some of my psychosis. How sad if everyone is like...wow you are so f'd up! I'm going to think positively and assume everyone is this f'd up! (: