I miss my Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!

So instead of getting easier...I'm pretty sure it's getting harder to deal with my mom's passing. I truly miss and appreciate how much she loved me. Unfortunately it took her death for me to truly understand the depth of her love and unwavering commitment. It's really hard to deal with the realization that there is nobody left on this earth who can or will ever love me unconditionally and tolerate my BS and my craziness like my mother did. Mom would have done ANYTHING for me, and especially for her grandchildren.

Although I have a relatively tight knit extended family, none of them can replace the love of my mom. My mom would literally have given me her last dollar, the shirt off her back. She would have called me everyday...even if I never picked up the phone to call her or answer her calls. She never would have quit. She would have given her LIFE for me There's very few people in this world who you can say would lay down their life for you. My mom would've taken a bullet for me! It's not like I'm on a mafia hit list or anything, but still! It's just the principle.

That safety net is gone...I'm walking the high wire of life with no net! My mom was a great net. I really miss that subconscious deep sense of security...that inherent knowing that I would always have a place to go. Just like that...POOF...gone...the one person on Earth who could provide that kind of security. Today if things went really wrong, I could actually go hungry and or become homeless! That possibility actually exists. There isn't one person other than my mom that I could impose on (for any extended period of time) to house and feed me and my 3 children while I got back on my feet. I know that sounds extreme, but that's because it doesn't exist in your realm of possibilities or consciousness if your parents are alive.

Nobody else is beating down my door to spend time with me and my kids. This isn't a pity party people. Think about it. Who's the person always calling you, "bugging you", complaining that you don't call and visit enough? Your friends? NO! They've got their own lives! They're way too busy with their own crap. Your work associates! Hell NO! They get enough of you with the 8 hrs. 5 days a week. Your significant other? HELLLLL NO! They spend their time trying to get away! Or vise-versa. Maybe your kids when their little, but I see them getting more and more independent as the days go by! Your mother...that's it! The only person who cares about you enough to want to spend all her free time with you!

I took it for granted and was even annoyed at times with how much time she wanted to spend with me. It's not like I don't have a life!!!! Wow...was I stupid... I regret it now. REVELATION: I thought I didn't have any regrets, but obviously I do.

Wow...She would have been here as much as physically possible...my mom would have never said: "I'd love to come see you, but your I'm/we're really tired this weekend. I'd love to come and visit, but we're a little light on funds. I'd love to come and visit, but we've got so much to do. We really miss you, but we have a birthday party to go to this weekend." Your other family members are much less likely to inconvenience themselves when you aren't "fruit of their womb". For my mom, visiting her children and grandchildren would have been her biggest source of pleasure...her LIFE. We would have been IT for my mom. There would have been nothing and/or nobody that took precedence over me and my kids. I know this because I have my own kids now.

Really think about it...nobody else will ever love you and accept you the way your mother does. Everyone else's love is conditional. No matter what they say and how much they'd like to believe otherwise it's mentally, physically, and emotionally impossible to love anyone but your natural child that much. I know that my relatives feel obligated to step in, but it's just not in there genetic make-up to love me and to care for me the way my mom did. Don't get me wrong...they're AWESOME, they have good intentions and they do as much as can be expected from family members who aren't your parents. But sometimes they make me feel even worse. It might just be my situation and the fact that I'm kinda isolated from everyone but my dumb brother (who I love by the way) because of sheer distance or proximity from them. That just drives my point home even more--my mom would've come no matter what.

Sometimes I think I'd like to live in a cabin in the woods billions of miles from civilization with no phone, radio, tv, or even mail! Nothing! No link to the outside world. That way I wouldn't know when somebody had died, I'd never feel left out or like I was missing out, or even alone because you really only feel alone when other people choose not to spend time with you. I would be blissfully ignorant and unaware of the fact that nobody is missing me as much as my mom would be missing me.

Which takes me back to my family. I see many of them do the parent/grandparent thing with their kids. I see them travel long distances. I see them bend over backwards. I see them glowing and bragging over their kids and grandkids. I see them stressing over their lives and truly concerning themselves with their well being. I notice that they find a way regardless of circumstances to be around their kids and grand-kids as much as humanly possible. They make time, they spend money, they make it happen regardless, and they are exactly what my mom would've been...AMAZING.

For instance...I've lived here in Houston for 1 year 4 months now and my grandmother has been here 3 times and my aunt on my mom's side twice. My dad's family (other than my cousin, who visited last month) has never come to visit. My own sister who I know is CRAZY about my kids has been here a grand total of TWO times!

I know it's a (2) way street, but the car I have now is not conducive or really even safe to travel over 100 miles with 3 small children in tow. It's actually turned out to be really painful to realize what I'm missing and what my kids are missing out on. The BEST grandparents in the world!!!!!! Only my mom would drive her ass 4 hrs. or more to visit me and my kids every chance she had...with or without a leg, and with or without cancer! I know nothing would have stopped her! Wow...there's nobody else on the planet who loves us that much!!!! What a revelation! That's really sad.

Maybe I'm just REALLY PMS and feeling sorry for myself. I really am blessed in many ways and have no right to whine and complain. I take it all back. I retract all the previous pity blogging! I have a great life and a great family. Oh and more great friends than most people!

Now I'm feeling a little bipolar. Hmmm? Note to self: Adjust meds!

Remember...don't judge me.

Until next time I have a revelation or simple brain fart. Take care and appreciate your mom today!

I HATE SKINNY PEOPLE!

That's right. I hate em! All of em. Even my own skinny friends. I secretly hate you. So sue me! Personally I wish we lived in medieval times where my robust physique would not only be appreciated, but adored and my likeness would be sculpted out of marble and painted onto canvases and called a work of art!

That's really not even true. I would probably still feel fat. I remember not being fat and still thinking I was fat. Now I look at how "fat" I was back then and wish I could get back down to that "fat"!

FAT FAT FAT!!! The whole subject takes up a lot of my day. I am constantly conscious and aware of the fat. It's in my every waking thought. I'm thinking about it right this second. How do I look sitting in this position. Let me turn to the side more so I look less fat. Let me adjust my shirt so it doesn't sink into my fat roll and show all my biznis! It's all consuming!

I'm sure the skinny people (I hate you) are thinking...why doesn't she just lose weight! ESPECIALLY the skinny people with no children! Don't judge me!

There are (2) types of skinny moms.

You're either:

A.) The annoying type A personality with a heavy dose of OCD that lives to impress people with your perfect life that includes being a super wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, pet owner, paritioner, gym rat, etc... But secretly...between you and me...I know you're exhausted and longing for a life of lower expectations! A life where you can occassionaly come home, sloth around on the couch for a couple of hours, make dinner for the kids a luncheable...and a yogurt (for good measure), put them to bed in their underwear without a bath, and tell your husband to grow up and microwave his dinner like a real man, all so you won't have to miss your favorite reality shows.

or...

B.) You are genetically blessed

Well people...I'm going to lunch now. That's right, I have no shame. I'm going to blog about the fat and ponder it over a nice Indian Buffet lunch.

I heard lap band was pretty easy. Plus my insurance covers it! hmmmm?

Anyhoo, until next time.

Remember...don't judge me!