So instead of getting easier...I'm pretty sure it's getting harder to deal with my mom's passing. I truly miss and appreciate how much she loved me. Unfortunately it took her death for me to truly understand the depth of her love and unwavering commitment. It's really hard to deal with the realization that there is nobody left on this earth who can or will ever love me unconditionally and tolerate my BS and my craziness like my mother did. Mom would have done ANYTHING for me, and especially for her grandchildren.
Although I have a relatively tight knit extended family, none of them can replace the love of my mom. My mom would literally have given me her last dollar, the shirt off her back. She would have called me everyday...even if I never picked up the phone to call her or answer her calls. She never would have quit. She would have given her LIFE for me There's very few people in this world who you can say would lay down their life for you. My mom would've taken a bullet for me! It's not like I'm on a mafia hit list or anything, but still! It's just the principle.
That safety net is gone...I'm walking the high wire of life with no net! My mom was a great net. I really miss that subconscious deep sense of security...that inherent knowing that I would always have a place to go. Just like that...POOF...gone...the one person on Earth who could provide that kind of security. Today if things went really wrong, I could actually go hungry and or become homeless! That possibility actually exists. There isn't one person other than my mom that I could impose on (for any extended period of time) to house and feed me and my 3 children while I got back on my feet. I know that sounds extreme, but that's because it doesn't exist in your realm of possibilities or consciousness if your parents are alive.
Nobody else is beating down my door to spend time with me and my kids. This isn't a pity party people. Think about it. Who's the person always calling you, "bugging you", complaining that you don't call and visit enough? Your friends? NO! They've got their own lives! They're way too busy with their own crap. Your work associates! Hell NO! They get enough of you with the 8 hrs. 5 days a week. Your significant other? HELLLLL NO! They spend their time trying to get away! Or vise-versa. Maybe your kids when their little, but I see them getting more and more independent as the days go by! Your mother...that's it! The only person who cares about you enough to want to spend all her free time with you!
I took it for granted and was even annoyed at times with how much time she wanted to spend with me. It's not like I don't have a life!!!! Wow...was I stupid... I regret it now. REVELATION: I thought I didn't have any regrets, but obviously I do.
Wow...She would have been here as much as physically possible...my mom would have never said: "I'd love to come see you, but your I'm/we're really tired this weekend. I'd love to come and visit, but we're a little light on funds. I'd love to come and visit, but we've got so much to do. We really miss you, but we have a birthday party to go to this weekend." Your other family members are much less likely to inconvenience themselves when you aren't "fruit of their womb". For my mom, visiting her children and grandchildren would have been her biggest source of pleasure...her LIFE. We would have been IT for my mom. There would have been nothing and/or nobody that took precedence over me and my kids. I know this because I have my own kids now.
Really think about it...nobody else will ever love you and accept you the way your mother does. Everyone else's love is conditional. No matter what they say and how much they'd like to believe otherwise it's mentally, physically, and emotionally impossible to love anyone but your natural child that much. I know that my relatives feel obligated to step in, but it's just not in there genetic make-up to love me and to care for me the way my mom did. Don't get me wrong...they're AWESOME, they have good intentions and they do as much as can be expected from family members who aren't your parents. But sometimes they make me feel even worse. It might just be my situation and the fact that I'm kinda isolated from everyone but my dumb brother (who I love by the way) because of sheer distance or proximity from them. That just drives my point home even more--my mom would've come no matter what.
Sometimes I think I'd like to live in a cabin in the woods billions of miles from civilization with no phone, radio, tv, or even mail! Nothing! No link to the outside world. That way I wouldn't know when somebody had died, I'd never feel left out or like I was missing out, or even alone because you really only feel alone when other people choose not to spend time with you. I would be blissfully ignorant and unaware of the fact that nobody is missing me as much as my mom would be missing me.
Which takes me back to my family. I see many of them do the parent/grandparent thing with their kids. I see them travel long distances. I see them bend over backwards. I see them glowing and bragging over their kids and grandkids. I see them stressing over their lives and truly concerning themselves with their well being. I notice that they find a way regardless of circumstances to be around their kids and grand-kids as much as humanly possible. They make time, they spend money, they make it happen regardless, and they are exactly what my mom would've been...AMAZING.
For instance...I've lived here in Houston for 1 year 4 months now and my grandmother has been here 3 times and my aunt on my mom's side twice. My dad's family (other than my cousin, who visited last month) has never come to visit. My own sister who I know is CRAZY about my kids has been here a grand total of TWO times!
I know it's a (2) way street, but the car I have now is not conducive or really even safe to travel over 100 miles with 3 small children in tow. It's actually turned out to be really painful to realize what I'm missing and what my kids are missing out on. The BEST grandparents in the world!!!!!! Only my mom would drive her ass 4 hrs. or more to visit me and my kids every chance she had...with or without a leg, and with or without cancer! I know nothing would have stopped her! Wow...there's nobody else on the planet who loves us that much!!!! What a revelation! That's really sad.
Maybe I'm just REALLY PMS and feeling sorry for myself. I really am blessed in many ways and have no right to whine and complain. I take it all back. I retract all the previous pity blogging! I have a great life and a great family. Oh and more great friends than most people!
Now I'm feeling a little bipolar. Hmmm? Note to self: Adjust meds!
Remember...don't judge me.
Until next time I have a revelation or simple brain fart. Take care and appreciate your mom today!
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Screw you!!!!!!!! I have been there way more than twice. Don’t forget I’m an orphan 10 years younger than you are. You got to experience things with her that I would give my left leg for. I sat at every appt and treatment, every scan and x-ray, every shot and procedure, every wig fitting and scarf tying class, every “it doesn’t look good” bit of gut dropping news virtually by myself. Sure people showed up for the big shit like surgery, but for the day to day crap (groceries, prescriptions) it was mostly me. I did this while helping you with your kids, going with you to OBGYN appointments, looking for your man (and car) on the east side, playing middle man between you and your brother, keeping my own relationship alive, and working a fulltime job. Sooooo. You’re pretty lucky that I’ve made it up there at all. Most people in my position would be so hopped up on xanax that they don’t remember their names. So next time you would like to include me on your unsupportive family list realize that I’ve been taking care of sick parents since high school and maybe (just maybe) living 250 miles away from the current drama is a well deserved break. WOW! That felt good (maybe I need a blog page) you’re a bitch, but I love ya. Maybe my Phone support isn’t as effective as I thought it was. I MISS HER TOO :<
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite post of yours. I can totally relate, although for me, I miss my grandmother. My mother is alive and well but she is way too vain and lacks much of the motherly instincts mothers are supposed to have. Most of my disappointments lie with her. I lost my grandmother 2 yrs ago and I still think of her everyday. I also feel that no one will ever love me the way she did, her loss has left a void in my heart.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is no one will love you the way she did, but that is now what you are for your sons. Although they won't fully appreciate you until your dead. This is life.